Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
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