Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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