Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Randomize
