Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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