When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
