Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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