so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Randomize
