i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
