Don't make out with my wife yet
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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