My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
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As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
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And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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