Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
