My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
