he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I just gargled with NyQuil
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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