My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Randomize
