i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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