he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
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