Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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