I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
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