Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
