My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
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