Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
