walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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