...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
