life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
