he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
