then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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