The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
