You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
