you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
