You can't motorboat a personality
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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