You made me cry and you don't even care
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
