I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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