Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
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I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
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Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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