Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
