I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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