Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
you are never too drunk for berry picking
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
