I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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