Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Randomize
