Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
