He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
please come you make the beer taste better
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Randomize