Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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