Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
50% drunk capacity currently
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
