woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
