Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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