I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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