that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
