If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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