Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I need moral support for this bender
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Randomize