just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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