Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
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