dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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