It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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