Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
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