i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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