I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
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And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
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She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
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