That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
