Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
