I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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